Political Humor by Brian Carrillo —-
In an extraordinary turn of events that has left the scientific and political community both perplexed and mildly entertained, researchers have made a shocking discovery: Presidential candidate Kamala Harris should, according to the laws of quantum physics, not actually exist.
In other words, Kamala may actually be a ghost!
Dr. Harold Quantumstein, a renowned quantum physicist and part-time conspiracy theorist, revealed these findings during a press conference that was originally scheduled to discuss the latest advancements in string theory. Instead, Dr. Quantumstein veered off-script and presented a series of equations, diagrams, and a suspiciously well-crafted PowerPoint presentation entitled, “Kamala Harris: The Quantum Enigma.”
According to Dr. Quantumstein’s research, the particles that make up Kamala Harris’s existence are behaving in ways that defy all known physical laws. “It’s like Schrödinger’s cat,” he explained, “but instead of a cat that’s both alive and dead, we have a politician who both exists and doesn’t exist at the same time. I mean, have you seen how she handles policy topics and interviews? It’s like she’s everywhere and nowhere at once!”
The most alarming part of this discovery is that it suggests Harris’s entire existence might be a quantum glitch—an anomaly in the fabric of reality. “We believe she might be a manifestation of a fourth-dimensional being or, more likely, a rogue subatomic particle that somehow gained sentience,” Dr. Quantumstein stated, adjusting his tie, which also appeared to defy the laws of fashion.
Other scientists have chimed in with their theories. Dr. Eloise Stringer, an expert in theoretical metaphysics, posited that Kamala Harris could be a “political hologram,” projected into our dimension by an advanced alien race to test human reactions to a strong female leader. “Or maybe,” she added, “she’s just really good at being in the right place at the right time. I mean, California politics is basically a game of three-dimensional chess.”
Meanwhile, Dr. Quantumstein’s graduate students are busy running simulations to determine how Harris’s non-existence could affect the upcoming presidential election. Preliminary results indicate that her non-corporeal status might actually work in her favor. “If voters can’t see her or hear her, they also can’t criticize her,” mused one of the students, “which is a pretty solid campaign strategy, if you think about it.”
Political analysts are also weighing in on the implications of this discovery. Some argue that it might explain Harris’s ability to appeal to a broad range of voters despite the increasingly polarized political landscape. “It’s simple,” said one analyst. “You can’t pin down someone who technically doesn’t exist. It’s brilliant!”
In response to the scientific findings, Kamala Harris’s campaign released a statement saying, “We appreciate the scientific community’s interest in our candidate. Kamala Harris is proud to exist—whether in this dimension or any other—and looks forward to continuing her campaign for the Presidency of the United States, regardless of what quantum theory might suggest.”
Ghost or not, one thing is certain: Kamala Harris may or may not exist, but she’s definitely leaving her mark on the 2024 election—If only she would sit down with reporters to confirm her existence (and her policies) or not.
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